I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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