Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
