Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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