Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
