____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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