can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
