dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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