Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
