obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
