I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
