Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep