I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
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This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.