My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?