i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
