Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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