How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
