In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
