Will you blow on my dice?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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