I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
