I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
