you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
