In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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