last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
