i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
