it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
