you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
