Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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