New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
