i think my mom watched the whole time
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
