I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
