i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
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And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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