he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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