I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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