i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
