I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
