Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
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So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
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I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So vagazzling was a success
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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