Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dick very happy bro
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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