Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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