Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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