yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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