how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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