Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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