you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
