Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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