if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
