I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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