Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am available for nakedness
I have tasted many bathrooms
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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