I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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