She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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