im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
