Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
