Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
