I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
