My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
