I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
