her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
