woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
