it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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