My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
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Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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