he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They are going to name an STD after you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
