Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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