i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
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Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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