This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
